Have you ever felt like everything around you is crumbling, and no matter what you try to do, no matter how hard you work, or how hard you think you work, you cant get out of your mess. And climbing from the rubble of the mess piled around you exhausts your spirit, mentally and physically?
That is how I feel right now. And the knowledge in knowing, I live right by one of the deadliest fault line in the world, doesn’t shed much light on the subject either. As I sit here and write this while listening to my ITUNES: Justin Timberlake’s ‘Rock your Body’ I wonder what am I doing?
I work two jobs, I like them both and the people as well, yes, but the growth in the company seems bleak, like every other company out there. Unless of course you have a 3.6 GPA and went to a four year university, growth, shrinks dim for those who are not the…brightest of persons. By nature I am an actor, a writer, an innovator. It’s what I do. And being rebellious by nature, these traits and fortes of mine make sense. But I feel lost really. Probably much like this post I am writing. It goes from one theme to the next. No definite point of destination. Too many obstacles, too many distractions, too many opinions, and other peoples plans that I felt pressured.forced to follow.
Everything around my life is falling, and falling fast. Work, finances, (though not exactly falling in the way one would want it to) career path, hope, dreams. That and much more is just so overwhelming right now. There was one sliver left of framework keeping me together and that was my significant other, but the rains came and quickly flushed him out and into another place.
Family wants me to move back home for all the reasons, any anomaly, they have their reasons why they want me back. I am doing my best to repair the damage, but it is just exhausting me. I am not suffering as some may have put it. Struggling yes, but not suffering- the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship; whereas struggling-make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction. (Google) But then again maybe it’s a mix of the two and I am too stubborn to admit it. They always say the first year is the hardest in anything.
Going back wont solve my problems. It feels as if the very thing that keeps me going is the drive to work on my book series here. It isn’t Lord of the Rings, or Game of Thrones status writing, but it is my damn story that I have worked hard to write and create. Between that and my love and passion for theatre/film, these are the only pleasures in life that drives me. They give me hope, passion, love, and ideas. Though the business aspect, and the main stream media to meet demands of perfect physical beauty out weighs the actual art of acting.
Part of me is relieved I wrote this, while the other part is like, “Hey, in a few days you will feel better, and look dumb for posting this.” But I don’t care. Maybe someone else is in the same boat, maybe someone needed to read this as well or share it, I don’t know. I just know I needed too. But now as One Republic sings me ‘Counting Stars’ I will bid goodbye for now. I hope that everyone has a great day, and an even better tomorrow!